For What Its Worth
by Mosion
Summary: She waited for death to come for her, It had been a long time coming and she'd done her damage. There had never been a way back, there never would be and she would die a killer, a heart hardened masked soul, a guilty survivor. -Rated- Violence, Language.
1. Point of View

Outside muted voices planned her death to go smoothly, uneventful. A celebrations of sorts, but she blocked herself from hearing it, curled her sore body into the corner and let her ears press back against her skull to block out their voices. Black eyes stared warily through the darkness of the bare room. Her stomach gurgled but the pain of hunger didn't bother her, the day old plate of food that lay across the room had only been set there to prolong her suffering.

She could not cease to see the images in her head, everything she'd lived for... there was nothing there to take pride in. Everything she'd ever done had been born of loss, born from anger, frustration. She'd never had her place...

Tears bit at her as a familiar face entered her head. That face she had lived for, killed for. Her only source of love and her most prized possession all thrown into one. So small, hardly old enough to be on his own. How could she have let this happen. In her desperate attempts to save him, protect him... it would be her second failure.

Agony turned her body sideways and she pummeled a fist hard against the ground. "I hate you!" She screamed at the darkness, "I know you can hear me, river dog and I hate you!" Her voice went ragged and horse. She swallowed, crept back into the corner and burrowed her head in her paws. Outside it was quiet now, she hoped her screaming had driven them away. His voice made her feel ill, to think she'd trusted him, befriended him.

But she was stupid. Proved it time and time again no matter her attempts to find peace the world around her would always drive her towards violence. No road lead anywhere but to this moment, her death would be inevitably gruesome. If she had known this world when she was young as she did well she would have stepped in front of the blade that killed the rest of her kin, rather then run from it. She'd wanted for so long to go home, to be innocent, to be happy.

There had never been a way back, there never would be and she would die a killer, a heart hardened masked soul, a guilty survivor. But she could not help but think, memories of her life before had all but disappeared in her mind. There was only that fire-filled night, Briaar's mistake and then there was nothing. Nothing after that but revenge and sinking and loneliness and then finally after so long home had found her... Thinking of him again made her consider dragging her own claws across her face to distract herself. However she wouldn't need to.

The door creaked. She kept her self still, eyes hidden, head buried, body crammed so close to the wall she was hardly noticeable in the darkness. She gritted her fangs together as the voice began. "Yknow... I jus' can't believe you di' that."

_A lecture, his final goodbye. How fitting._

"I jus' never knew ye t'kill... Well when y'didn't think y'needed to at least."

An explanation wouldn't save her now. She wouldn't bother.

"I jus'... I jus' wanted to tell ye It'll be soon an'... an' if ye want anythin'... we aren't cruel 'ere, y'know. If ye want anythin' y'can ask."

Silence struck as she raised her head, the light from outside the door stung her eyes and she looked over the beast before her. He was her age, taller then she, for she'd always been small. She knew the otter well, could have recognized him anywhere... would have been glad to see his face. "You can find Kael, you can tell him I'm dead." The words were growled, dangerous sounding like a threat. The things in her head made her quickly hide her face from him again, she would not be weak in front of him, would not beg, would not ask.

The silence wavered. He'd never been good at hiding how he felt, his voice cracked, "Sar, I..." He would be composing himself, just as she was. "I'll leave ye, then." Door creaked shut, lock clicked into place.

The ferret left behind in the corner shifted, held her paws together and took comfort in imagining herself memories of herself as a child with Kael. He would survive, just as she had. He would be beaten down by the world and frustration would find him and he would learn, just as she had. His opportunities would be muted, and hate for others would be piled onto him. The only thing she'd cared for, she prayed in the dark silence that he could find himself an ounce of pride in their broken world, a piece, no matter how small, of love. It would be enough for him... it would have to be.

The assassin Saria would wait for death to find her. It had been a long time coming and she'd done her damage. Never the life her parents had planned for her, never the life she had understood. Life all the same, survival at its most grotesque. Her world was black and white, she'd tried to escape in shades of gray and found that there the most pain lay. She could never be as she wanted to be. Never be ignorant and blissful as she had been once, so long ago. Chaos blinked at the back of her mind, threatening to overcome her but she kept it down.

She would die, but not without knowing her own true intentions. Her own driving force, never a black mass where her heart should have been. No, it was more complicated then that. At the very least, she knew she was not evil. Her death in vain of all things she'd tried to make her existence work in her favor.

Quietly she pressed her head back against the cold stone and let out a sight. Soon, he'd said._ Soon_.


	2. Good

Maybe on some level she did deserve this, maybe she had had it coming all along. Perhaps it was fate, something her life had always drawn towards, something she always knew was waiting, stalking outside her pretend safety for her. Her life had altered once before, she'd died and awoken already... surely she would get no third chance at this. How many seasons had passed since that day, since she'd left her former self behind, given up her name, her dreams? Too many for her to want to count the number, but it was clear in her head, with each passing day she knew it was one day farther from who she had been. Who her core still wished to be.

She'd died that night, her last night in a false heaven and lived again in this all too true hell. She should have never- No. The thought was too morbid to even enter her mind, not as long as Kael was alive, without her he would be alone. He too had lost everything... but surely he was too young to remember. He did not mourn their siblings and parents like she did, he did not miss his old home or his lost innocence he couldn't see their faces in his mind, could not even recall what his mother looked like or his twin. He only had her, and after many seasons of questioning her existence and thinking again over the worthlessness of her own life... she knew why.

Jerked from thought the ferret righted herself, eyes wide and black, equal in color only to the pitch around them. A crash had sounded far off, perhaps down a hall... a ways away from her dark corner. Another crash, a strangled shout, metal on metal and...

She tensed, her arms shot out to grip the floor beneath her as she heard the shouts. "I'll get her! I'll get her! Hold 'im back." it was getting closer, a husky voice, angry, sharp... rushed.

Another voice screeched after it from farther away, another clash of metal. "I'll kill yew, streamdog. I'll flay yer hide an' write apologies t'yer family in yer blood! I swear I-"

Something hard hit the door and within seconds she'd staggered to her feet. Light streamed in, blinded her as the door was heaved opened. Standing there, club held high, was an otter, not the one from before. No this was on fiercer, scarred, blinking as he adjusted to the dark. Saria took this moment to gather what strength she had and bolt towards him, her small frame somewhat dwarfed by his.

Luck ran against her and as she neared the doorway the otter took a heavy swing, catching her shoulder bluntly and tossing her sideways. "I worked too 'ard, vermin." He growled, lugging the weapon up again as she fell onto all fours.

Chaos erupted in her as she scampered away, without time to right herself she crawled and dragged herself as quickly backwards as she could, the club fell dangerously close to her legs before being lifted again. She rose too, unfortunately a bit slower with fatigue. The next blow caught her back, propelled her forward into a dark wall.

"I'll kill 'im! Where is she?!" The angry vermin accent was closer. She knew that voice...

"Jal-" she managed before hardened wood connected with the back of her head, sending her blindly dropping to the floor, too dizzy and disoriented to even attempt to rise up again. Perhaps he'd think her dead, perhaps he would be tricked into not following through with the next hit, perhaps-

"Yer DEAD!"

Was she? No, certainly not. Although her stomach turned and she felt herself drifting slowly from consciousness... she was clearly not dead. But then again that voice had not been the otters it had been...

"Oi. Sari... Sar? Oi, yew. Damn, Sari." She gurgled helplessly as a paw pulled her up tenderly. The movement made her heave, but nothing sat in her stomach to be gotten rid of. "Aw... don' do that, Sar. We're runnin' outta time. Yer alright."

Awareness fell from her. She had no idea of where she was, moving? Hopefully. Sounds melded together, blindness distorted her direction. Whatever was happening... well she was not dead and at least it didn't feel like a hanging.

"Yer good, Sari. Yer good."

Had she been conscious enough, that statement would have made her burst into laughter.


	3. Back to Life

_A voice was speaking and it was one she knew so well it almost hurt to hear it. Then the face appeared, slightly foggy but it was there. The beige faced ferret grinned down at her and held out a paw, "what were you doing down there, Sunshine?"_

_Without thinking she reached out and took the help to her feet, "I was looking for ribbon." Her voice was small and young, like her body._

_Her older brother smirked, "for what?" He hauled her up and flipped the hatch to the cellar down. _

_"I want to make my tail look like Veze's."_

_He shook his head at her, "I don't know how well that'll work out, Sar. Might be hard to braid it without all that fur."_

_"Mama said she'd try," She clasped her paws together and looked down, her hopes somewhat dashed._

_A sympathetic look masked over the older ferrets face, "well it'll probably work then. I've never seen Mama quit anything till she's got it right, have you?"_

_The gleam returned to her black eyes, "no."_

_"It'll look great, but you ought to go take the twins out before she notices they'll still tearing up their room… or you might never get that." As he mentioned them a loud crash and playful snarl were clearly coming from the next room. Briaar laughed and tapped a foot on the floor hatch that lead to the cellar, "and don't go down there alone, right?"_

_"Uh-huh… Briaar?"_

_He glanced back, "yeah, Sari?"_

_"Do you want a braid too?"_

_He laughed so hard that she did too. Without responding he finally turned and strolled away from her, still chuckling. His image began to fade, his laugh, her small body, the chaotic noises of Kael and Reisk in the other room… No._

Her unconscious mind clawed out for the images, for the memory, for the strange short feeling of belonging. It was gone as quickly as it had come on, leaving her blank and empty again. She stirred on the edge of consciousness. The realization that her short-lived happiness had been only in the form of a dream almost made her wish she had died. No matter how she willed herself to go back to the memory, the time, she knew that there was nothing to go back to. Sickly she recalled that there were no memories after that. After all her bright faced older brother, along with three more of her siblings, her parents, her entire home had all burned that night. A vicious shudder tore her body.

"Oi! You up?"

That voice was much more real, and it felt like a hammer striking her temple. So she was alive, and her savior the same as always. A grin spread over her face, despite the pain. "Jalow," her voice rasped.

"Hah, yer alright. Yew sound like 'ell though… betta than you look, hah!" He snickered.

Her eyes flickered open, only to close tightly again to shut out the harsh light, "Jalow…Did you kill him?"

"The damned otta? Sar yew'd love t'see 'im now. Deader than any otha beast I've gone afta."

She forced her eyes open again but the world around her was a blur and the light was painful, she stared at the reddish form near her. The weasel shifted around a bit and something was shoved into her chest, "wanna drink?" he offered.

Classic. She took the cold bottle but rather than taking a swig of Jalow's harsh alcohol she pressed it against her throbbing head. "Thank you."

"Well tha's not what its fer…"

"I didn't mean for this. I meant for the whole 'saving my head from being turned inside out' bit." She said weakly.

"Oh tha… Well yer welcome."

Her vision had begun to clear; she blinked dumbly at her companion, "are you going to get to the regular questions?"

He chuckled, "Sure. We're in the forest, bu' I'm sure they ain't lookin' fer us. Yew been out fer… I dunno, half a day or a bit more. I tink y'got broken ribs, a good smack t'yer 'ead… but that's all. Oh, and I didn't kill yer old friend. Jus' roughed 'im up a bit."

She wasn't sure whether to feel horrified or relieved, she squinted at Jalow's bandaged arm, "and you?"

"Scratches, nothin' more." A quick shrug of his shoulders dismissed her worry; she'd seen Jalow fight through injuries ten times worse than any she'd had and win.

"I thought I was dead," she said finally, her voice softer.

Jalow tilted his head down and sighed, "we've yet t'be so lucky, my friend. Yer very much alive." He paused, "but Sari, wha' yew did… yer gunna be runnin' fer a long time."

"This forest is big enough for that," she muttered, lifting her arms out in front of her to check her use of them.

Jalow scowled, "it wasn't big enough fer tha' streamdog this time. Maybe yew ought t'find an adventure- come back when it's calmer."

Her eyes bore into him, dark and sharp, "this is my home."

"Yew could go north, south, 'ell next time Ryker brings in a ship yew could-"

"I'm staying here, Jal. One bounty hunter in the hundreds got me, and look- I'm perfectly fine. You couldn't pay me enough to sail off with that pervert anyway."

He smirked but the expression faded quickly, "well least yew know wha' I tink. Yer a numba one enemy now Sar."

She knew he was right, she'd known it since the night that it had taken place. In essence that was when she'd finally given in. If they were to see her as so evil the only action they could take against her was violent… well then she would be what they wanted her to be. "I don't regret it." She said steadily.

"Aye, I know yew don't. An' I don't."

They fell silent, a cold breeze shook the trees around them as the gray ferret brought her paws up to her face to inspect the slices across them that were nearly healed. She had spent too long in the little empty cell, too long being hunted by that otter. She lied to herself, imaged she could continue her old life and go back to being the false named assassin. She spoke finally, "any sight of Kael?"

Jalow shook his head, running a paw over the scars on his cheek and across his forehead as if the question hurt him, "naw. 'es been on 'is own fer longer before though. Yew ge' so worried."

Saria grunted, "forget it." She glanced around the forest as her head continued to clear, "when do you think you want to get moving?"

"Yew can walk? I don't mind'a battle, bu' yer heavier than yew look, lil' Sari." He smirked.

She scoffed and glanced down at herself, he was much taller- like almost every other beast she knew. Her size had yet to be much of a disadvantage. "I can walk I think… Help me up?"

He stood up and gathered his things; it reminded her sourly that she'd lost all of her possessions. Saria didn't like to be heartbroken over such things… but it was a bit depressing, and it meant she would have to make another trip to the north. As Jalow leaned over to offer her help she took his paw like she'd done in the dream with her older brother and let a small smile slip over her face, "Jalow?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I have a knife?"

He chuckled, "feelin' lonely?" he flipped a small throwing knife from his belt, it wasn't as flawless as the ones she had prized… but it would do for the time being.

"Thank you," she muttered, taking it from him and tapping a claw against the blade. She watched as Jalow moved away from her and she took a teetering step after him. Both of them jerked their heads up at the same moment, a tree branch rustled with no wind to have picked it up.

Jalow snarled and pulled out his great sword- Saria had noticed that all of his weapons were like this, large, obvious, and deadly. She blinked into the tree, her vision not well enough to make out anything suspicious. Than a voice spoke, "I did that on purpose."

"Yew show yerself now or I'll find yew and rip yer skin off!" Jalow shouted into the canopy.

There was silence at first then the voice spoke again, "I am a messenger." Another small rustling noise and suddenly the figure dropped to the ground in front of them, the dark brown squirrel raised his head and Saria noticed his ears slightly tilted back, but he made a solid attempt at hiding his anxiety. "For you." His eyes met hers.

Jalow hadn't moved, he stood with his sword at level to lob the squirrel's head off its shoulders, but Saria dropped her arms down. 'From who?"

"The Badger Lord." He held out a small folded piece of paper.

Saria shook her head, "Baron and I had a good understanding of one another. I never could kill him when I had the chance… and he never killed me. I do not need a note to tell me that this mutual respect no longer applies. If you want you can tell him that if we do meet again I'll tell him the story if he doesn't mind waiting awhile to kill me."

The squirrel shifted uncomfortably, "uh… yes." He pulled his paw back and tucked the letter away again. He turned and swiftly escaped up the tree again.

Jalow growled, "I should'a killed 'im. Why didn't yew read tha'?"

"I already knew what it would say… Come on, I've had enough of this for one day." She stumbled forward while Jalow unhappily sheathed his sword and follow after her, she wasn't too blind to miss the sharp concern on his face. He knew what the letter would say just as well as she did.


End file.
